partially out of my depression by sending us another crisis--Rocky's job was terminated without notice. I had not been able to work in months, and his was the only income we had. When push comes to shove, I have always shoved back, so that's what I did. I shoved myself into the job market, and tried to delay the downward spiral our finances had taken. Now, at least, hygiene was reacquired as I strove to keep myself employed and keep the collectors away. Rocky also found new work, but the minimum-wage jobs we had barely paid the bills. I soon became depressed all over again at the unfairness of life in general, and God's punishing hand in particular.

The real kicker came

when Rocky told me he simply wasn't going to have any more children. The shock that went thru me was so powerful, I literally could not speak for hours. I went to my girlfriend's house, and spent the night there horrified at the turn my life had taken. All my life, I had wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mother. Our relationship had already almost disappeared, and so apparently, had all my hopes for children. This new turn of events forced me out of myself long enough to take an interest in my life.

Where had all the love gone ?

That baby had been conceived in love. We had gone thru quite a topsy turvy relationship before deciding to marry and raise our son together. I firmly believed in marriage lasting forever. But I felt just as strongly in having babies. All of a sudden, I was being told I couldn't be both a wife and a mother. So my thoughts circled viciously as I wrestled with this new challenge. I had to make a decision and make it soon just to keep any shred of sanity: which did I want more? Should I stay with the man I loved so deeply and be just a wife? Or should I give him up--divorce him--in hopes that I would find another love with whom I would be able to have children? This was absolutely the hardest decision I had ever faced. It was easier deciding to pack away all the baby things after the funeral.

Somehow, some way,

God managed to make me hear His voice once more. To divorce Rocky would be to deny that infinite well of love we had conceived Robby from. God had answered my prayers and led me to love a truly honorable and loving man. He had given me the baby I had so long wanted. He had even given me the son I had hoped for. Was I going to toss His gift so lightly aside out of selfishness, just because I wanted a living child? Or was I going to wake up, smell the coffee, and start working on keeping that flame of love alive? Sadly, I watched my dreams of motherhood dissipate as I made the committment to keep my promise to God and to Rocky--to cherish and love and honor him for the rest of my life, til death do us part, amen. Not until then did I realize that Rocky's not wanting more children was no reflection on me, but rather his own sorrow and grief. I also realized that his refusing to have any more babies wasn't all selfishness, but a desperate effort to protect himself from more hurt and grief. Having made my decision, I found the courage to ask Rocky if he had really meant "never" or was there a possibility, maybe in the future...? I don't recall the words he used, but I do remember the balm his love poured over my breaking heart. For the first time in years, I felt loved and at peace. I returned to my marriage bed, and offered an apology to Robby if this seemed like I was being selfish.

Nine months later,